The maturity of love

I like being married. It has been very good for me.

One of the lessons of love I’ve learned over the years in having to work all things out with my wife is that love doesn’t try to change the other person.

I wish I had better understood this when we first got married. In the early days, the “growing up years,” one might say, it was tempting at times to pin fault or blame on the other when something didn’t go my way. If she would only change, or adopt a better attitude, or quit doing something, or understand me better, or…and the list would go on that justified continued suffering.

Does this sound familiar to anyone out there…??

The maturity of love

I like being married. It has been very good for me.

One of the lessons of love I’ve learned over the years in having to work all things out with my wife is that love doesn’t try to change the other person.

I wish I had better understood this when we first got married. In the early days, the “growing up years,” one might say, it was tempting at times to pin fault or blame on the other when something didn’t go my way. If she would only change, or adopt a better attitude, or quit doing something, or understand me better, or…and the list would go on that justified continued suffering.

Does this sound familiar to anyone out there…??

Trials in marriage are healthy if we spiritually grow from them, and my goal was always to spiritually grow, to understand how to express love better, and be less selfish. I’ve had many opportunities, and am still learning!

But in recent years I’ve noticed a very profound and deepening peace in my marriage. It’s a peace that does not come overnight or by accident. It is the outcome of lessons learned well in the past, growing affection that is not conditional, and a lack of judgmentalism.

When we do not try to change each other, but honor what God has already put in place, things go much better.

Mortal mind often argues that we have to change our spouse before we can be happy in our marriage. This is such an illusion. It is misleading because it can be a relinquishment of responsibility for our own thinking and actions. It also puts our happiness at the mercy of another and can lead to a feeling of helplessness and even hopelessness. And not because it needs to be that way, but because we are ignorant, or unwilling to accept what we can do to improve the situation independent of what the other does or doesn't do.

Rather than place blame, the more constructive course of action is to improve one’s view of the other. It’s a demoralized and low view that is getting in the way of seeing the good God put in our spouse. When we look at him or her from God’s point of view, we find wonderful qualities present that were not obvious before. Where we saw indifference, we may find care. Where we saw close-mindedness, we may find an open door. Where we found meanness, we might find kindness. Where we find stubbornness, willingness may appear. Spiritualization of thought can cause these glorious types of transformations to occur.

Every spouse is a child of God filled with a full complement of divine Love’s qualities. These virtues are not always obvious on the surface, but they are in there. And a willingness to look for them often finds them.

When we put personal offense aside, kick ego out of the picture, not react in anger or with resentment, and cease to hold grudges, it’s a sign that we’re growing up in love. We’re leaving the selfish ways of mortal mind behind and reaching out to something much better, to a love that endures. It’s a maturing love, a love that finds the good in the other, brings it out of them through kindness and goodwill, and improves the overall relationship without a taint of judgmentalism, harmful criticism or harsh comment.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience, and it’s best when unconditional, nonjudgmental love rules the relationship.

It takes work to raise a family

For those of you who don’t know me personally, I’d like to introduce you to my family.

Above are Tyler, Jenna, Kathy my wife, and me.

When I first saw this photo, I thought, “I like this picture.” It captures much of the joy, unity and love we have for each other.

As I studied it more, though, I realized that my initial impression didn’t do it justice. Eighteen years of memories, experiences, trials, tears and triumphs began to flood thought. There was so much more to be seen than was apparent on the surface.

It takes work to raise a family! I concluded. That picture didn’t appear out of nowhere. It took twenty plus years of dedication, unselfishness, devotion, commitment, faithfulness, sacrifice, perseverance, a never-give-up attitude, a deepening love of God and each other, and heartfelt prayer along the way for that picture to be possible.

I wasn’t complaining, mind you. I’m beyond grateful beyond words for what I have to show. But as I recounted the commitment of mind, soul and body required to keep a family happily together, I gained a greater appreciation than ever for all successful outcomes.

It isn’t easy to raise a family! Any of you doing it know what I’m talking about.

In this age of short term gratification and instant fulfillment of selfish desire, good intentions often start the venture, but give up too early. Personal wants get in the way. Pride interferes. Anger poisons it. Neglect and apathy sap it. Jealousy and envy ruin it. Criticism and accusation strike a stake through its heart. Laziness ignores it. Impatience stresses it. Self-interest divides it. Ego polarizes it.

Men and women in growing numbers decide to stay single these days for many different reasons. And that’s great. Everyone is individual and finds their way to Truth in a way that suits them. But for the individual that decides to start a family, it’s very helpful to know up front, that it will require sacrifice, unwavering commitment, sincerity, faithfulness and a genuine desire to grow in love to succeed.

Raising a family is about raising thought to divine Love. Trials and challenges are opportunities to grow spiritually, to reflect more of our divine nature made in the image of Love and unselfishly bring blessing into another person’s life. Sincere motives are essential to be successful.

So, on one hand, it’s not easy to raise a family. But on the other, when I look at this picture, I’m reminded that the effort is sure worth the reward. I love my family, and it’s been rewarding beyond any treasure in the world to make it this far. It gets more and more fun everyday. I expect to keep going, by the way, and have another picture to show in years to come!

Lots of love to yours.

“Matrimony should never be entered into without a full recognition of its enduring obligations on both sides. There should be the most tender solicitude for each other's happiness, and mutual attention and approbation should wait on all the years of married life.” Mary Baker Eddy

Money and marriage

I’ve heard it many times from different people over the last few months, “A shortage of money in the household is causing strain and stress in my marriage.”

According to some polls, disagreements over how to manage money is the number one cause of divorce.

So, it’s vitally important to spiritually defend one’s marriage during these economic times, from conflict over money to keep the marriage happy and healthy.

How to do this?

By understanding better that money is not the wealth of the home. Love is!

Marriage is all about love, giving, caring, sharing, working as one, forgiveness, and cultivating mutual understanding. If money ever becomes a divisive issue, than a couple has forgotten what their marriage is all about.

Marriage is about working problems out in love.

If anything, economic hardship would strengthen a marriage, not weaken it, because it would call forth the very best qualities in each spouse to figure out how they were going to deal with current economic conditions.

It’s a trick of the carnal mind, or supposed evil influence at large in the world, to convince a person that money is the leading issue when faced with financial shortfall. Money is never the leading issue. Wealth is not dollars in the bank, but understanding, inspiration, fresh insight and humility in the mind.

When two people work together in love, they find answers that solve problems. They gain more productive views, an expanded sense of possibility, willingness to go in a better direction, and are receptive to God’s help.

Anger, hate, resentment impoverish. Love, forgiving, sharing and caring enrich.

Love is the greatest wealth a married couple could ever have, and it comes freely from God. There is never a shortage of it! And it’s the most important resource to keep flowing in a home that is going to survive and thrive.

If the bills pile high, and the bank account draws low, it’s not a time to get angry. It’s a time to love—and more than ever.

Paul's view on marriage

The Christian Science Bible Lesson has a section on marriage this week and the protection it provides for sexual relations. I found a translation of Paul's words in "The Message," especially helpful in understanding his thoughts.

I think the passage speaks for itself.

Paul wrote:

"Now, getting down to the questions you asked in your letter to me. First, Is it a good thing to have sexual relations?

Certainly--but only within a certain context. It's good for a man to have a wife, and for a woman to have a husband. Sexual drives are strong, but marriage is strong enough to contain them and provide for a balanced and fulfilling sexual life in a world of sexual disorder. The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality--the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out. Abstaining from sex is permissible for a period of time if you both agree to it, and if it's for the purposes of prayer and fasting--but only for such times. Then come back together again. Satan has an ingenious way of tempting us when we least expect it. I'm not, understand, commanding these periods of abstinence--only providing my best counsel if you should choose them.

Sometimes I wish everyone were single like me--a simpler life in many ways! But celibacy is not for everyone any more than marriage is. God gives the gift of the single life to some, the gift of the married life to others.

I do, though, tell the unmarried and widows that singleness might well be the best thing for them, as it has been for me. But if they can't manage their desires and emotions, they should by all means go ahead and get married. The difficulties of marriage are preferable by far to a sexually tortured life as a single." I Corinthians 7

What makes spouses compatible?

Have you ever met a couple for the first time and found the husband and wife to be opposite in so many ways, that you wondered how they could ever stay happily married?

I have, and I’ve learned much from studying how they treat each other. I met one such couple yesterday.

Kathy, my wife, and I, visited a farmstead out in the middle of wheat fields west of Milton-Freewater, Oregon, to meet with an iron worker who builds utility trailers. We’re looking for a small trailer to pull behind my CRV.

The man we came to see was out working in the yard, and we struck up a conversation right away. He had a strong personality, firm opinions about things, knowledge and wisdom drawn from decades of experience, and bodily signs of wear and tear from the hard work he’d done over his life. He was a smoker. He was an “iron worker,” if there ever was one, and he was a cowboy and proud of it. He was a character, if I may use that word in a polite respectful way.

After getting to know this man and observing some of his very set ways of thinking and reasoning that might make many people uncomfortable, I wondered, “What was his wife like?” I was curious to know what kind of woman would be compatible with this rugged individualist.

Soon, we went into his house to write up a purchase order, and there we met his wife.

What a sweet dear woman! She looked exactly the opposite of what I had expected. She was anything but rough, tough and strongly opinionated. She was gentle and humble, with a country polish and refinement that spoke well of her.

She’d let her husband ramble on, and then insert some kindly compassionate remark that took the rough edges off his point of view. He would sound mean and tough, and she’d interject that he really had a compassionate heart with a very soft spot.

The more I watched them in action the more I found oneness in their marriage despite their vast personality differences. Underneath the “show,” the back and forth banter, the stories and tales, behind the rough and tough surface of the iron worker, and underneath the serene peace of his wife, was a profound respect and care for each other. It was like the storm needed the peace and the peace needed the storm. And they both knew it. Together, they found a happy middle ground that blessed them both. They had learned to not let personality differences become an issue. They simply let each other be who they were, and they remained in love with the child of God underneath it all.

I have found the same to be true in my marriage. The outward differences mean little in the long run. It’s what you find spiritually in common with each other that has meaning and significance and builds a relationship that endures. It’s called the stuff of love.

Love finds the good and holds on to it, no matter how deep it has to go to discover its treasure. In true love, the earthly characterizations, differences and attitudes don’t matter anymore. For to love, mutual respect, care and admiration is what matters.

This couple had found that mutual respect and it brought love into their marriage and home. I am a better person for noticing it in action.

Understanding the opposite sex

Have you seen the Broadway production, “Defending the Caveman?”

Kathy and I went to see the show last night here in town, and I haven’t laughed so hard in one sitting in a long time. I was concerned that the show would be too raw, and it did have some words and references that made me wince and uncomfortable, but for the most part, it was creatively written, followed a definite theme, and was illed with thought-provoking observations.

If you’re not familiar, the content of the show is intended to help men and women understand each other better, and particularly, clear up gross misunderstandings held by many women, from a man’s point of view, of why men act and behave in unusual ways (unusual—according to women, that is, but not to men!).

For example, it rationalizes why men are single-minded, often focused on one thing to the exclusion of all else, and why women think about many different things all at once. It takes the audience back to the ways of cavemen and cavewomen to justify its arguments.

Men are hunters. Women are gatherers. Men are trained to pursue a single goal—hunt the Bison! Women are gatherers, looking all around, picking and choosing among many options all at once, gathering their harvest into their baskets.

Then the script spells out through story and parody perceived differences between men and women.

Women like to talk issues out. Men prefer few words, silence and quickly moving on to the next activity. Women are quick to help. Men are quick to find reasons why someone else should do the job. Women are cooperative. Men are negotiators. Women have feelings. Men have feelings too, but they don’t show them openly like women. And the examples go on and on…

It’s a hilarious comedy if you’re in a forgiving mood, don't get offended easily, and don’t take points made too seriously.

Afterward, my wife commented that she could sympathize with some of the men ideals and not with several of the so-called women ideals. For instance, shopping! My wife does not like to shop, which is great for our budget by the way. And women were parodied as big-time shoppers, loving to spend hours in the mall strolling through the stores surveying all the options and enjoying the whole experience. That's not me! My wife exclaimed. I know other women that feel the same way. And then she could see where I lived out some of the proclaimed women ideals, like cooking. I like to cook and frequently prepare dinner for the family.

So, many of the models portrayed in the show were certainly outdated and distorted stereotypes, and gratefully so, for some societies anyway. We are moving closer to the ideal man and woman defined in Christian Science, as not being male or female, but as God’s image—male and female—which in practical terms, means whether male or female, each individual is capable of expressing the masculine and feminine qualities of love, strength, compassion, authority and wisdom equally.

Aside from the shortcomings of the show, one point I loved, made near the conclusion, was the host’s exclamation that all men and women should strive to understand each other better, to enter into the other’s world to understand it, but without judgment.

I loved it.

Yes! I exclaimed.

Without judgment. There was the key to marital harmony.

I have to admit, that I have learned much about a woman’s point of view by listening to my wife over the years. It can be very different than a man’s point of view.

It’s tempting to think that another person is wrong when they don’t agree with your own opinion. But that conclusion isn’t valid. Another point of view is not necessarily wrong, but simply, another perspective that may be just as worthy of consideration as one’s own. As men and women everywhere seek to understand each other better, their differing points of view will blend, common ground will be found, mutual understandings will be established, and relationships strengthened and benefited.

“Enter into each other’s world, without judgment.” That point alone was worth the evening spent to hear it.

Protect marriage from stress over finances

I read an article in the newspaper this morning about marriages falling apart over strains on family budgets. From studies I’ve read in the past, turmoil between spouses over finances is a leading cause of divorce.

So, what should a couple on a tight budget do?

From a spiritual point of view, a healthy step would be to defend the marriage from worry and anxiety over money! It’s a wise pre-emptive course of action for those who want to stay happily married through tough times and flush ones.

It helps to remember that a successful marriage is not built upon a savings account, but on love.

True love can survive any financial crisis. Love endures. But we may have to defend the presence of love in our home so that family members are not tempted by impatience, fear, anger, ill-will, or any other enemy to peace and harmony that might cause temporary strain over spending priorities.

Love forgives. Love understands. Love is patient. Love is kind. Love is open-minded. Love is humble. Love unites. Love works things out. Love is wealth! When a husband and wife make expressing qualities of love a priority, misunderstandings and disagreements over how to manage money can be resolved.

It’s more important to love than to get one’s way.

Recessions are short. Love is forever.

When the riches of love are acknowledged and lived abundantly, human needs are met. Mutual understandings are established. Harmony reigns in the home. The family will have everything it needs to flourish and move forward, even if times feel tough for a while.

It takes prayer and effort to keep a marriage together and flourishing. With all the negative news blaring over the headlines about people struggling with finances, this is definitely a time to not let one's guard down and get unconsciously sucked into the belief that these fears can become our family's fears. The resources of divine Love are ample, overflowing and available to all. Our job is to put them to use and reap their benefit.

Love, love, love...we can never do enough of it.

All the best...

How prayer changes other people

Have you ever gotten upset over other people's behavior and wished they would change so you could stop being angry?

Have you ever blamed your spouse for troubles in your marriage?

Have you ever believed your happiness and harmony is at the mercy of how another person treats you?

If so, you might doubt that prayer can make much of a difference in addressing situations like the above because in the back of your thought you'll be harboring the fear that the other person has to change BEFORE you are free of their inconsideration. And besides, they might not even be praying about the trouble themselves, so what difference will your prayers make? Fear taunts...

In thinking this scenario through and how to resolve it, God sent me this very helpful insight...

The truth you know in prayer changes people around you because the truth you know in prayer changes how you see everyone around you.

So, prayer does change everything around you even if the other person is not praying like you are. You don't have to wait for the other person to change before you can be free of whatever bothers you. Let prayer change your view of them, and the new view you see leads to healing.

Matchmaking

I just read an intriguing article in the April 17, 2008, Christian Science Monitor, titled "She's got a date for you," about a professional matchmaker who puts men and women together, and for no modest fee--$4800, if you’re curious.

I prefer to trust the matchmaking skills of the one Mind, divine Love, to bring the right Joe together with the right Jane, but the views of the career matchmaker interviewed, Julie Ferman, from Brentwood, CA, where illuminating, none-the-less.

This quote by her especially caught my eye…

The toughest clients aren't fat or bald. They're the unhappy ones looking for a relationship to make them happy. "They think that's all that is lacking from their lives – the right person," says Ferman. They're impossible to please because they're looking for a panacea, not a person.

"You have to come to this party as a satisfied, loving person, able to see what's right in human beings instead of what's wrong. That's where success is," she says. "It's much more about being a loving, happy person than about finding a loving, happy person."

From what I’ve seen in people searching for love in the “right person,” these are profound words of wisdom, I would say.

"Thinking about women" series

The final parts in the podcast series, “Thinking about women,” on tmcyouth.com that I participated in have been posted.


Part 5
Almost everyone knows what it’s like to want to shake a bad habit, unsuccessfully. If you’re honestly trying to live a better life, how can you move forward without being dragged down by outgrown behavior? The fifth installment of “Thinking about women—the series” covers just that—”How to shed behavior that drags you down.” This was a topic brought up right on the discussion forums of tmcyouth.com. In this podcast, Christian Science practitioner Russel Fogg and video producer Matt Lawrence join TMC Youth’s David Bates to look into it.


Part 6
Whether you’re married, hoping to marry some day, or happily single, “What about women, sex, and marriage?” has some spiritual insights for you. In the sixth and final episode of “Thinking about women—the series,” Christian Science lecturer Evan Mehlenbacher, Christian Science practitioner Russel Fogg, and video producer Matt Lawrence join TMC Youth’s David Bates honestly take on the topic of marriage, from a man’s perspective.

The secret to a happy marriage...

Just for the chuckle…

Forwarded by a reader…

A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other, except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside.

She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000. He asked her about the contents.

"When we were to be married," she said, "my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll."

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

"Honey," he said, "that explains the dolls, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?"

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

A little love goes a long way

My wife and I play mixed doubles together in tennis tournaments.

It’s a joke around our club that many husbands and wives cannot team together because they get into arguments on the court during matches and end up mad at each other.

Kathy, my wife, and I, have done quite well working together as a team, but she told me recently that I made too many remarks and sounds of disappointment when she missed a shot.

Oops! A no-no…

As I paid more attention to my responses on court, I became aware of what she was talking about. From my point of view, my sighs were not targeted at her, but at error on our team. But unfortunately, if your wife is the one who made the error, she might take it personally! So I needed to change how I reacted to mistakes, hers and mine, I could see.

So yesterday afternoon, during a tournament match we played in, I prayed for even more peace and harmony on our team.

At first, I worked hard to make no noises—except for shouts of joy and approval, of course. I did much better. But something still wasn’t quite right.

As I prayed further, I was reminded that marriage was all about love. The outward things a couple does, whether mowing the lawn, grocery shopping, paying bills, clothing the kids, and other chores are minor compared to loving each other unselfishly. Marriage is all about love, love, love. Love is what makes a relationship work. Everything else is insignicant, and nothing else is more important.

I realized the same rule applied to playing tennis with Kathy. Whatever happened on the court was trivial, and of no consequence, compared to free flowing love and mutual support between us.

I suddenly got it.

What I needed to do was to tangibly love her more during our games and eliminate any kind of concern in thought over errors.

Now understand, I already loved her more than one can measure. But Love is infinite I remembered, so I could always do a better job.

Love her more! The words echoed in thought.

As I listened for direction, after one of our games while we were switching sides of the court with our opponents, I thought, go over and kiss her. Let her know how much you love her right now, that love between us in this match is all that counts. The score, the mistakes, the misses, the triumphs, and all the rest do not matter compared to us just loving each other.

And that’s what I did. I saw a light brighten in those eyes of hers when I pecked her on the lips.

Aha! A good idea, I decided…

And I kept doing it regularly throughout the match. After a game, between sets, and when I felt like it, I’d give her a quick kiss to let her know our love for each other was all that mattered.

I haven’t asked her yet, but I think it worked. I felt a thick peace between us that I hadn’t felt before, a deeper trust and a freer team spirit.

Our playing got better and better. Her playing got better and better.

In a very tight match we came out winning, just barely, in a tie-breaker and felt very good about our performance.

I found it interesting to note, afterward, that with no planning on our part, we had changed strategy near the end of our game in a way that allowed her to really excel in a way we hadn't experienced before on our team. She hit some fabulous winner shots.

I learned a valuable lesson yesterday. Love IS the most important thing in mixed doubles when you’re playing with your wife. It’s more important than the strokes, the serves and your positioning. Love IS the most important position to take for the best results.

To all you husbands and wives who play a team sport with your spouse, I can tell you from experience, that a few genuine expressions of love, whether its a heartfelt kiss or tender word, can go a long way to improving your team play.

I look forward to our next tournament together.

"Matrimony should never be entered into without a full recognition of its enduring obligations on both sides. There should be the most tender solicitude for each other's happiness, and mutual attention and approbation should wait on all the years of married life." Mary Baker Eddy

Romantic influence

A wife confided that she had become very short with her husband over time and didn’t understand why. Upset by the tension she was feeling, she prayed for relief.

While listening spiritually, it occurred to her that she had been reading a number of romantic novels and had started to expect her husband to act like the suave, always tender and thoughtful guys in her books. The leading men of the stories always knew what their love wanted, when to give it to them, how to treat them just right, and how to say the right thing at the right time.

“Why shouldn’t my husband always be like these perfectly romantic guys?” she started to unconsciously argue.

But he wasn’t.

He didn’t always say the right thing. He didn’t always know what she was thinking. He didn’t always anticipate her every desire and want ahead of time. She was getting very bothered by this shortcoming on his part--at least in her eyes!

After substantial agony, she realized the men she read about in her novels were fairytale creatures. It was unfair to superimpose on her husband, who loved her very much and was faithful beyond reproach, the character of fantasy imagination.

She needed to simply love him for the wonderful person he was, she concluded, and no try to make him into something else.

The anger she had felt toward her husband evaporated. The edginess dissolved and it was easy to love him once again without qualification.

Mary Baker Eddy wisely wrote, over a hundred years ago,

"Novels, remarkable only for their exaggerated pictures, impossible ideals, and specimens of depravity, fill our young readers with wrong tastes and sentiments." Science and Health

We all can do a better job of living up to the ideal man of God’s creating. But we all have a lot to learn along the way too. The more we love the good that is obvious, and not get detoured by the strengths we have yet to master, the better we’ll all get along with each other, and stay a peaceful family in the meantime.

Unity in marriage

“How can I get along better with my spouse?” Many wives and husbands ask themselves.

One way, is to do a better job of expressing divine Love.

Selfishness, impatience, close-mindedness, anger, human will and their kin are enemies to harmony in the home. They divide, isolate and alienate. To rid the family temperament of arguing and ill-will, the mental atmosphere governing the family must be free of the evil in thought that leads to outward conflict.

When we consciously decide to love more, we decide to hate less. We can’t love and hate at the same time.

Love is more than a pleasant human emotion. True Love is God, the mightiest power in the universe for harmonizing relationships and inspiring good-will.

A solid step to harmonizing with our spouse is to first harmonize with Love. Let the love of Love take over your attitude and perspective replacing any resentment, bitterness, or strife with forgiveness, compassion and understanding.

Getting along better with our spouse typically includes doing a better job of expressing God’s affectionate nature. The Love we express softens hearts, grabs attention, resolves difficulties, inspires cooperation, and solidifies oneness.

Feeling more united with divine Love is an important step to feeling more united with our partner.

Marriage vows

Vera Long’s comment about contemporary couples and marriage vows got me to thinking. She was quoted by the Washington Post as saying, “Today people stand up in front of the altar and pledge their lives and don’t mean it.”

Is this true? I wondered.

Do brides and grooms ignore the significance of their wedding vows? Do they consider the profound commitment they are making to another person when they promise to stay with that person through riches or poverty, sickness or health, and until death parts them?

Back in the days when I was single, before I got married 19 years ago, I sweated, feared, and trembled at times over making such life-long vows because I figured once I made them I would stick to my word. This was my sense of integrity, honesty and commitment. I was not going to tell a woman I would be at her side forever if there was a chance I would break my promise. So when I decided to marry, I went through some deep soul-searching first to be sure I was making the right decision.

I realize intent is one thing, and what actually happens is another. People can go into a relationship with the best of intentions, but learn through trial and experience, change may be necessary to preserve sanity and civility. Divorce happens.

To prevent a few more divorces, though, and after pondering Vera’s comment, I hypothesized a different set of vows for those who have yet to catch the true meaning of love and are unsure about making a long term commitment.

They could promise something like, “I promise to stay with you as long as you are nice to me, do what I want, and keep me happy,” or something similar. This sentiment might be truer to some people’s intentions when they march to the altar and sign the contract.

But then what would happen? Would anyone marry another with such a loose and one-sided commitment? I suppose a few may. But for those who are serious about long-term happiness, I think they might reconsider. Focus on self is not the foundation of an enduring relationship. Unselfish giving and caring is absolutely required.

Blatant and open honesty at the altar might prevent some ill-fated marriages from occurring in the first place. And this would be a good thing.

Vera Long has been happily married for over 60 years to the love of her life, Charles Long. I’m sure Vera and Charles have worked through many difficult and trying times that tested their commitment to each other. But their marriage has stood the test of time, thus far, and they have set a good example for others to learn from.

I’m happy to report that my marriage is thriving too, for which I am grateful. I did make the right decision 20 years ago!

Mary Baker Eddy wrote, “Be not in haste to take the vow 'until death do us part.' Consider its obligations, its responsibilities, its relations to your growth and to your influence on other lives.”

Marriage is a serious commitment. The vows we make should be taken seriously and only after careful deep thought. Isn't it reasonable to say that our steadfastness to those vows says a lot about how seriously we take other promises we make as well?

Marry for love, but be sure its true love! True love is spiritual, and it endures forever.

True north

Explorers traveling through thick jungles and over high mountains prevent themselves from getting lost by keeping their path squared with true north. Navigators over open seas read the stars and watch their compass to steer their ships on course.

We all are explorers and navigators of different types. We need a compass to consult and a true north to follow when faced with tough decisions.

We might ask ourselves, what compass am I following? What is my true north?

I watched a movie where a young married man could not decide whether to stay faithful to his wife or to continue a romance with another married woman. The decision tortured him. He was confused and torn, swinging back and forth between the two relationships like a lost servant who couldn’t decide who to serve and honor. While watching him suffer, I concluded that he needed a moral compass to guide his decision-making. Rather than focus on self-gratification, which typically leaves one in the dumpster of despair and darkness anyway, he needed to figure out what the spiritually right thing was to do, and then do it. Eventually, he did come back to his wife and see the folly of the extra-marital affair.

Decision-making is much easier when we have a compass to consult and a true north to guide us.

My compass is the Bible and Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures, by Mary Baker Eddy. These books are filled with moral and spiritual guidance. The soundness of their wisdom has been tested by the ages.

My true north is serving God. As the Bible teaches, “Love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy strength, and with all thy mind; and thy neighbor as thyself.“ I figure if I do this, I will more ably tell the difference between right and wrong and more successfully navigate the turbulent and stormy seas of the world. So far, I'm happy with the results!

What are your compass and your true north?