Funny story

A story that came through my email. It will get your day started with a chuckle...

The Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from "Going Home" and "The Lord is My Shepherd" to "Flowers of the Forest." I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary' n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Kids are quick

Teacher's jokes...just for fun...



TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________



TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the

floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________



TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

____________________________________________



TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________



TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we

didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

_____ _____________________________________



TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________



TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________



TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's

cherry tree, but also admitted it.

Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

______________________________________



TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before

eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________



TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same

as your brother's. Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________



TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking

when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

__________________________________

Learning patience by watching mothers

Sent in by a reader...

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "No." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be that long."

He passed the mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible
tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.

The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check-out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy...

"I'm Ellen."

A good attitude

I loved this decal that showed up on my wife's bulletin board this morning.

Wag more

Bark less

Law of the Garbage Truck

Sent in by a reader...



One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us. My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches!

The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us. My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!' This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment. As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally. Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day. Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so....love the people who treat you right. Pray for the ones who don't.

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

Humor for animal lovers

Everyone once in a while, we all need to clean the outside of our computer screens. However, did you know that you're supposed to clean the inside of the screen, too?

Not many people know this or how to do it. So, here's a complimentary cleaning. Click here.

Laughter for the day...

Would you like some healthy belly busting laughter?

A few spiritual moments in this video too...

"Kids say the darndest things," by Art Linkletter

Just for fun...

A knee-slapper sent in by a reader...

Subject: Holy E Mail

One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time.

When the angel returned he went to God and said, Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?
(scroll down)














Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

Children say the funniest things

After reading my blog two weeks ago, “Through the eyes of a child,” a reader sent me this comment…

I loved the one today about childrens' interpretation of the Bible. My all-time favorite from Sunday school was the little boy who told his mother that the teacher said he was a scurvy elephant. When the teacher was asked why she said that to the lad, she said, "No, I said he was a disturbing element!"

At times, when I have one of those types in my class, I think of this story and just laugh. It breaks the mesmerism for me.

Through the eyes of a child

Children were asked to write down their interpretation of the Bible. Here are some of their views...


The Children's Bible in a Nutshell

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas.

The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham.

Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast.

Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston.

Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.

He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets.

One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

Funny cat story

I heard a humorous testimony in church tonight you might get a kick out of reading.

A woman was relating how the family cat always plunked down wherever they happened to be. For example, if one was reading the paper, the cat would want to perch on the paper. Or if one wanted to work on the computer, the cat would sit on the mouse, and so on...

Well, one night her husband couldn’t find an important document in the house. They both looked and looked to no avail.

She prayed a bit for guidance, and while quietly listening for spiritual direction noticed that the cat was on the other side of the room coiled up on a table. It was a bit unusual for the cat to be separated from her or her hubby, and she became aware of the oddity.

A little voice within said, “Instead of the cat being where you are, maybe you’re supposed to be where the cat is!”

She obeyed.

She walked over to the cat, and ta-da, there was the document her husband had been looking for nestled underneath her warm fuzzy body.

As usual, kitty was where everyone else wanted to be all along.

Just for fun...

Happy workout!

EXERCISE ROUTINE

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

The wisdom of patience

One of the greatest secrets in life is having both patience & wisdom...

How to get there

Learning to live life in Spirit seems like the old joke about the person who asked the New York policeman how to get to Carnegie Hall -- "practice, practice, practice"........

Can you think for yourself?

One lesson learned in the practice of Christian Science is that you have to often ignore what the physical senses tell you in order to reason correctly. If the senses say the body is sick, to heal the body, you cannot keep agreeing with the senses, or the body stays ill. The belief has to be corrected with spiritual truth. And to do that, one has to stop taking in the sense testimony and start reasoning correctly, from a spiritual point of view.

How successful are you at denying the evidence of the senses in order to reason correctly?

Here's a fun test of reason over sense-testimony that a reader sent to me recently.

Give it a try and see how you do.

COLOR WORD TEST

The exercise came as follows...

Can you follow directions?

Bet you can't get 100 on the first try.

This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colors. Have fun!

It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%. Follow the directions. It's harder than it seems, as it should be!

A chuckle for God

I picked this bit of humor up at tonight's testimony meeting at church.

A woman was telling about how her plans often didn't work out, but sometimes a better plan would appear that she hadn't envisoned. In jest, she said...

"If you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plans."

I can relate. Can you?

Finding God in the ads...

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God.

Here are some of the results:

God is like
a FORD
He's got a better idea.

God is like
COKE
He's the real thing.

God is like
HALLMARK CARDS
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like
TIDE
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like
GENERAL ELECTRIC
He brings good things to life.

God is like
SEARS
He has everything.

God is like
SCOTCH TAPE
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like
DELTA
He's ready when you are.

God is like
ALLSTATE
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like
VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like
DIAL SOAP
Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

God is like
the U.S. POST OFFICE
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.

God is like
CHEVROLET. . .the heart beat of America

God is like
MAXWELL HOUSE. . .
Good to the very last drop

God is like
BOUNTY. .
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. .and He won't fall apart on you

Rise up and walk

After being taught in Sunday school about a man whom Jesus healed of lameness a young child related the story to his parents afterward, and innocently misquoted Jesus' command to the man as, "Wise up and walk!"

Christian Science or Scientology?

A comedian took to the streets to ask bystanders what split-second choice they would make when presented with two options.

In part of his routine, he asked, “Christian Science or Scientology?”

A short video clip from Mo Rocca 180 captured the responses. It’s a bit of fun to watch…

Watch out for the killer biscuits

This story is so funny, I wanted to share it with you…

Killer biscuits wanted for attempted murder

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there, went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up, her eyes closed with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head.

When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.

According to Snopes.com, this story is not true, but evolved from a comedian’s routine many years ago. It’s still a blast to read though, because it points out how absurd human mind conclusions can be when drawn from physical sense testimony.

While most of us would likely not repeat the above scenario, how often have we repeated the act in different situations, and with more serious consequences?

I’m thinking of the recent spate of flu cases across the country. How many people have caught the flu, not through material contagion, but from seeing it in others and believing they’re going to catch it too?

Like the Pillsbury dough container exploding with great noise, the media advertises the flu with great ado, and if one hasn’t avidly protected their thought from the mental contagion, they might at some point believe they’ve been “shot in the back of the neck” too and start manifesting the same symptoms.

The physical senses can be so misleading at times. They cannot be trusted.

Jesus Christ instructed, “Watch!” And he meant watch for spiritual truth so one doesn’t get tricked by the human mind into drawing erroneous conclusions.

God created us spiritual beings governed rightly by spiritual sense. When we listen to spiritual sense and not to physical sense testimony, we draw the right conclusions about our health and well being and spare ourselves much grief.

Watch out for those "killer biscuits!"