The maturity of love

I like being married. It has been very good for me.

One of the lessons of love I’ve learned over the years in having to work all things out with my wife is that love doesn’t try to change the other person.

I wish I had better understood this when we first got married. In the early days, the “growing up years,” one might say, it was tempting at times to pin fault or blame on the other when something didn’t go my way. If she would only change, or adopt a better attitude, or quit doing something, or understand me better, or…and the list would go on that justified continued suffering.

Does this sound familiar to anyone out there…??

Trials in marriage are healthy if we spiritually grow from them, and my goal was always to spiritually grow, to understand how to express love better, and be less selfish. I’ve had many opportunities, and am still learning!

But in recent years I’ve noticed a very profound and deepening peace in my marriage. It’s a peace that does not come overnight or by accident. It is the outcome of lessons learned well in the past, growing affection that is not conditional, and a lack of judgmentalism.

When we do not try to change each other, but honor what God has already put in place, things go much better.

Mortal mind often argues that we have to change our spouse before we can be happy in our marriage. This is such an illusion. It is misleading because it can be a relinquishment of responsibility for our own thinking and actions. It also puts our happiness at the mercy of another and can lead to a feeling of helplessness and even hopelessness. And not because it needs to be that way, but because we are ignorant, or unwilling to accept what we can do to improve the situation independent of what the other does or doesn't do.

Rather than place blame, the more constructive course of action is to improve one’s view of the other. It’s a demoralized and low view that is getting in the way of seeing the good God put in our spouse. When we look at him or her from God’s point of view, we find wonderful qualities present that were not obvious before. Where we saw indifference, we may find care. Where we saw close-mindedness, we may find an open door. Where we found meanness, we might find kindness. Where we find stubbornness, willingness may appear. Spiritualization of thought can cause these glorious types of transformations to occur.

Every spouse is a child of God filled with a full complement of divine Love’s qualities. These virtues are not always obvious on the surface, but they are in there. And a willingness to look for them often finds them.

When we put personal offense aside, kick ego out of the picture, not react in anger or with resentment, and cease to hold grudges, it’s a sign that we’re growing up in love. We’re leaving the selfish ways of mortal mind behind and reaching out to something much better, to a love that endures. It’s a maturing love, a love that finds the good in the other, brings it out of them through kindness and goodwill, and improves the overall relationship without a taint of judgmentalism, harmful criticism or harsh comment.

Marriage can be a wonderful experience, and it’s best when unconditional, nonjudgmental love rules the relationship.